Blog Entry #6-Kriya and Time Travel

Based on what is described by Cameron, I have had several experiences that could relate to her definition of Kriya. The one that stands out to me the most occurred over this past winter break. Last semester was definitely one of the more turbulent semesters of my college life. School was extremely demanding for me and I often felt pulled between spending time on necessary evils (such as my third semester of Italian) and difficult classes that I actually enjoyed (such as approaches to stage). That manifested itself in stress because I wanted to be devoting more time to my theatre classes, but felt as though time devoted to general education classes took some of that time. I loved my film class, but was struggling to make my short film because of a proliferation of flaky individuals in my film group. Last semester I took part in the biggest theatrical design process I’ve done so far, costuming designing 5^th of July, which was wonderful and extremely time consuming. On top of that, I was going on auditions for my agent and fought through the only serious breakup that I have ever had. That being said, by the time Christmas break rolled around I was emotionally and physically exhausted. The week I got home, I was diagnosed with the flu and was bedridden for about four days. I think that particular illness was my body telling me to calm down, and not over commit myself. I know that making time for myself is something that I struggle with, but after literally making myself sick as a result of last semester it’s something that I am trying to be better at.

I’m fairly certain that 80 year old me would have a lot to say about 21 year old me. I think 80 year old me will have taken risks, and experienced failures, but she will be okay with it because of what it taught her. I think she will have experienced many places and many cultures. I also think 80 year old me will know that family is the most important thing, and to be happy you have to live in the moment and not worry about the past or the future. She will be one-hundred percent confident about the fact that she is living for a bigger purpose, and that there is a higher power. She will definitely dress crazy, and probably still wear high-waisted jeans and doc martens, regardless of how styles change between now and then. I think she would tell me to take deep breaths, and remember that in the grand scheme of things, I am only one person. She would tell me to continue to perfect the art of saying no, and remind me that although it is important to live for others, sometimes you have to make choices to benefit yourself and your own spiritual and emotional well being. She would definitely tell me to go to physical therapy for my knees, while they are still-semi functional and to stop putting it off. She would tell me to live out my wild ideas and dreams, regardless of how ridiculous or un-productive they sound to others. She would say if it’s worth it to me, then I should go for it and not be stopped.

I would tell myself at eight that she can be anything she wants to be. I would tell her to keep riding horses and dressing up like a rapper. I would reassure her that her crazy out of the box ideas are wonderful, and to never stop having them. I would also tell her to not take being yelled at personally, and to appreciate every moment she has with her three siblings, because a day will come where they won’t all be living together under one roof and she maybe will never get that familial closeness back.  I would tell her to keep the home movies she makes with her siblings, because when she gets older she is really going to wish she had them. And I would tell her that although going to church at school every Friday seems like an excuse to sit next to a cute boy and hold his hand during the Our Father, that she should really pay attention because there is actually some really cool stuff being talked about.

Blog Entry #5-Shame

I think that there is a lot of truth to this notion of shame. In a lot of the instances where people are made to feel shameful, I think it is because the ones doing the shaming aren’t comfortable themselves with whatever the other individual is doing. The shamers know that they wouldn’t feel at ease acting in that way, so they can’t stand to see it either and even further than that they place a negative stigma on said behavior. I think shame is a defense mechanism, something that is often used to protect people from falling into a state of uncertainty or vulnerability.

            I cannot think of any examples right off the bat of me being shamed, but there is a situation that comes to my mind regarding a friend from high school and her boyfriend. She was a very free spirit, and never felt inclined to wear a bra. He was an extremely conservative guy, and didn’t want other guys looking at her in that way, so he would make her feel bad about it so she would put on a bra. It happened all the time, we would be about to go somewhere and he would stop her and get angry that she wasn’t wearing one. He would shame her for not wearing a bra, even though it’s her body and she is fully in charge of it. This isn’t something that she should have to feel shameful about. Men are able to remove their shirts without any negative social stigma surrounding it, and she didn’t believe that it should be any different from it. I think this exemplifies the quote because the reason that he didn’t want her to wear a bra is because he saw it in an embarrassing way. He shamed her for something that he was uncomfortable with, but in reality her body is her business and I don’t think he had a right to do that at all.

            There is a large difference between shame and guilt. Shame is a feeling that is often imposed on someone because the person doing the imposing is uncomfortable. From what I have seen, shame is most often not justified. It’s more about how external influences feel about someone’s action, rather than how they feel about themselves. As stated in the quote, I think shame is something used to control other people, as opposed to being a feeling that is actually justified. On the other hand, I think guilt is an internal feeling that usually indicates that the person feeling it has done or said something that has caused them mental discordance. I don’t think it is ever “appropriate” to guilt someone, however I do think it is a feeling that, like anger, can uncover truth. Usually if someone is guilty about something, it’s because there is something in their life they have to handle differently than they are currently handling it. To me, guilt is a feeling that individuals can use to make themselves better as people by truth telling, where as shame is something that never has positive outcomes.

Blog Entry #4-Getting the Crazy Out

One thing that I find theatre and film artists need to be aware of is triangulation. In my time involved in the arts, this is one thing that I feel as though I have seen a lot of. Because of the fact that we are so close-knit as a group, I think oftentimes people are afraid to confront individuals about issues because they would rather avoid the conflict. They are frightened of “burning the bridge” so to speak. But more often then not, I think this backfires, because as a result it will pull in more people than necessary, and probably make the triangulator look unprofessional. A problem often snowballs into something bigger than it needs to be, because the person involved in the issue doesn’t want to talk to the person face to face. A lot of times I think this is either because the person is nervous about breaking a professional connection, but even more often I think it’s that the person is nervous to offend a friend. Especially in our department, everyone is so close and knows each other extremely well, so it lends itself to triangulation. Students don’t want to offend their friends, but make what is often a small issue into something bigger by telling a handful of people.

To forestall and tamp down disruption by crazymakers, I think the best thing to do is stay honest, and if you have a conflict address it with someone directly. Bringing in five of your closest friends to the issue just turns it into a petty drama that could have been avoided. By talking to the person that you have an issue with directly, it fixes the issue and doesn’t allow it to continue to grow and take a life of it’s own. Additionally, and I know this is something we discussed in class, if you get pulled into a situation, let it die with you. Being a person that ends the drama as opposed to pushing it forward can help detract from the disruption it would potentially cause.

A lot of times I feel like I am a person that people come to in order to talk about their lives slash lament about their issues. I try to focus on that particular person, and what they can do to remedy the situation as opposed to blaming it on an external factor. I try to tune into that person emotionally, and look for what they can do to make the situation better. I try to empathize with their feelings and help them figure out why they feel that way, so that they can take the appropriate and mature action to solve what ever issue they may be experiencing. Making it about them instead of all the others they are blaming it on keeps it between you two instead of involving others. I also think it helps if you maintain the rule that you don’t say anything you wouldn’t say in front of that person. Talking trash only furthers the situation. I try and will continue to try to stay honest and genuine, so that I always know where I stand with with people. People that adapt that mentality and stick to it do a good job of extracting the crazy from the world.

Blog Entry #3-Censors and Critics

One instance that stands out for me in particular is when I got wait-listed for the musical theatre program at Emerson University. Throughout high school I was very invested in musical theatre, and worked very hard on my college audition material. I had worked on the monologues with various trusted individuals, and worked with my voice teachers on the songs. I recall feeling confident at the audition, and happy with how my material turned out. At the audition, they workshopped the material with me and complemented the way I received notes. When I opened the letter saying that I was waitlisted, I remember being more devastated than I had been at the rejections. With a rejection, I could equate the rejection to many different things-maybe they didn’t need another brunette, or wanted to diversify the program, or needed more guys than girls. But I really struggled with the wait-list letter because to me it said, “We liked your work, but not quite enough to get in initially.” I remember feeling like I didn’t know what more I could’ve possibly done in the audition. At the same time, it gave me hope. It made me want to work that much harder on my acting and singing, so that maybe next time I would make the cut. Although it was difficult feeling like I wasn’t good enough initially, I think it has really kept me motivated in college, remembering that feeling. Additionally, the career path I have chosen for myself involves a lot of rejection, so I think it was good that I had to start dealing with it early, because now I make a concerted effort not to take it personally if I don’t get a role that I am passionate about.

My biggest note to underclassmen would be about receiving feedback. Above everything else, I would say to really open yourself up to it. You are going to receive way more rejections than acceptances (in terms of acting) and so I think it is really important in this collegiate setting to ask for feedback after callbacks and auditions. In the university setting, directors are always more than welcome to give notes from callbacks and auditions. Learning what was successful and what wasn’t can really help you in future audition situations. However, if you don’t take the time to ask, they aren’t going to find you. I think just making oneself open to criticism is one of the best things we can do for ourselves as artists. Obviously this does open yourself up to a space where you could get negative feedback, but that is such a useful thing, to hear what you are doing that doesn’t work.

Blog Entry #2-Fear

       I try to channel fear as a motivator. I have been a relatively anxious person throughout my years of college, constantly adjusting and never feeling like I have fallen into a "college" routine. Each year of school has been drastically different for me. I have had anxiety about feeling like I ended up in the "wrong" place, which resulted in me trying to transfer. After I decided to stay, I put this constant pressure on myself to make the most of the time I had left at LSU. As an artist wants to work in the theatre/film industry, I know that I am facing a lot of competition and a lot of hard work. I know that I am capable of telling wonderful stories, and I think that my biggest fear is that I will sell myself short or not live up to my potential. I feel like I have so many creative thoughts and ideas each day. I always write down these ideas, or think about ways I could channel them, whether it be through filmmaking, theatre or writing. But i know that I feel stuck sometimes, because right now my first priority has to be school. Mentally, I often feel like I am living in the post-graduate space, rather than having a collegiate mentality. I think the fear of not living up to my potential is what helps me get up everyday. I would say another thing that I am fearful about is never being in the same city as my family ever again. I am extremely close with my family, and it's been really difficult for me being away from them for the past three and a half years. That being said, I have an agent and I am living an hour away from one of the biggest film making cities in the United States. I truly want to continue working in the industry, so for me that probably means not moving back home to Durham, NC. But it's a really scary thought for me that I'm always going to have to travel to see my family and also that we are probably going to to be spread out for the rest of our lives. My littlest sibling is about to go to college, and it's really weird for me that we are all split up. I feel like I would be doing myself a disservice if I gave up the connections I have made here, and so it scares me to think that I will always be far from the people that I love most. 
     I try to deal with my fears by working to better myself as an artist everyday. Since I often feel out of place at school, being on a college campus surrounded by people who have very different priorities than I do, I try to look at my classes as training for my future rather than just something I have to get a grade in. In each class, I look for what will directly mold me as an artist and what I can apply to my work. At least, that is the way I try to deal with the fear. I stay in contact with my family, and remember that even though they are far away, they still love me and are there for me. Honestly, I find it pretty hard to deal with sometimes and I definitely find myself dealing with a good amount of anxiety about the future. It's hard to be in a place where you want to do so much and have so many ideas, but you aren't quite in the space where you can solely focus on that.