Journal Entry #13-Surprising Yourself

This is an extremely difficult and personal entry, given everything that has happened over the course of my year. That being said, I am going to speak on my senior year candidly, because at this point in my life I do not feel the need to portray myself as any person except the one that I truly am. Although this year has been a not-so-fun rollercoaster for me, believing that it all happened to create the person I am today is what gives me hope.

My August 2014 self would probably not believe me if I was to go back in time and describe to her the course of events that took place over this year. Although she would be proud of future me, her stubborn self would refuse to believe that it was the real May 2015 me. As of August 2014, there were many things that I believed to be absolutes. I had just been launched into a long distance relationship, my boyfriend at the time was filming a movie in Atlanta, GA, and I believed him and I would move in together in New Orleans at the end of this year. At that time I was weary of the long distance relationship, because of my scars from the past. I was afraid to get hurt. My August self wouldn’t believe that I was the one that ultimately ended the relationship…a relationship that became too serious, too stressful, and was making me lose the essence of who I felt I truly was. I don’t know if she’d believe it but I do think she would be proud of my strength. She would be shocked to know that I was no longer solely dedicated to acting and costume design, but had found a medium she also loved…filmmaking. She would be surprised at May Andie’s willingness to let go of being a micromanager, and the fact that she was no longer moving to New Orleans. She would be happy that her May self had begun to regain her free spirit, but sad because of the emotional stress the between months had cost her. I think they would probably cry together. Past self would be surprised at future self’s willingness to let go, and see where her journey would take in the post-grad world.

Each year at LSU, I have changed a lot as an individual. I think my freshman self would recognize my senior self. I don’t think that she would be incredibly surprised by anything my senior self exhibited, but I think she would scoff if my senior self tried to give her advice. She would say the amount she drank was normal compared to the rest of the LSU students. She would laugh when I told her that she partied more than I do now that I am twenty-two. It’s odd, because I think that August 2014 Andie is extremely different than May 2015 Andie. Freshman Andie definitely took everything to extremes, but I think her intentions were pure. Although I am a much more level-headed, less impulsive version of her, it’s funny to think about my progression during college. I went from an extreme version of myself (as a freshman) to sort of the opposite extremes in terms of working really hard and kind of temporarily quitting partying, to the person that I became my senior year who sort of met these people in the middle. I think I’ve changed a lot this year, because I had to rediscover my core that was present when I was a freshman.

I am happy that my career has expanded from just acting, but I am not completely “surprised.” I am happy with the relationships I have right now, but am in a little bit of a weird spot. All of my true best friends are sort of spread around the U.S. Some are in Los Angeles, my sister is in Chicago, my family is in North Carolina…my friend group has definitely shifted a lot in college, because people graduate, move and change. In high school I had a very small tight group of best friends and that’s how I feel most comfortable. Now it’s definitely more of a situation where I am on good terms with a lot of people, but I miss having that tight knit group like I did in the past. I’m still very good friends with these girls, but they are in New York and opposite sides of North Carolina, respectively. I think the thing that surprises me most about myself is my didactic nature. Although this year I have become more motivated than ever in terms of my craft and my interests, I have also let go a lot. At the same time that I am more motivated than I have been at any other point in my life, I am also very aware that I have a journey ahead of me, one that I haven’t planned out yet at all. I am a relatively anxious person, but I would say that it does surprise me the way I am ready to work hard to do what I love, but also okay with the fact that I am going to take on the next season of my life in a very freeform way.

Now, I am tempted to re-read this blog post to proofread, but I think if I do that then I am most likely going to second guess my honest writing and delete everything. I am going to post my gut instincts, but truthfully I think I probably could have written a novel on the past four years of my life. It has been a hell of a learning experience, turbulent, draining, invigorating and so much more…but most of all hopefully worth it.

Journal Entry #12-Magic Wand

The first trope/annoyance I would get rid of is one of the things we talked about in class, using the woman as a vehicle for male success. It puts women in a submissive position, and propagates this image as something that is socially acceptable. I find it extremely frustrating, because as a woman that has been written off many times because of the way I look, I think it’s necessary to fight the stereotype of woman as victim. It was pretty insane to me how many short films submitted to the festival that were made by men, and even a few written/directed by women, did this. Specifically when women were doing it to themselves. It made me want to rally and be like, “Ladies, if we don’t portray our own strength and take ourselves seriously, who the hell else is going to?” I think that LSU does a generally good job of picking shows with strong roles for women. However it was pretty shocking to me that so many filmmakers in the Take 1 Film Festival did this, and potentially weren’t even aware of the fact that they were portraying women in that way.

             Another tendency that I would get rid of, that I think applies to both theatre and film, is the use of technical aspects to cover lack of evocative content or bad acting. I can think of several instances in both mediums where I believe this applied. There are certain lab shows that have been done recently that I think shaded some of the acting with sound and lighting sequences. Additionally, lots of the student films I have scene are technically sound, but just not believable because of the low stakes acting. I do not think that creations like this are successful, because the core message is unclear. Why is this piece being done? It is hard for me to connect to a creation if I can’t figure out the themes being projected.  There are some shows that pop into my mind that have married the two, such as August Osage County. This was a show that the outstanding technical elements heightened the acting and created a beautiful story.  Especially with student work, sometimes it seems like there isn’t enough time spent working with actors and getting their understanding where it needs to be.

             Thirdly, this is less of a film/theatre thing and more of specific to LSU thing, but it has been extremely irksome to me to see film students saying, “I shouldn’t have to take this class, it doesn’t apply to me so I am not gonna pay attention.” Yes, it is true that the film concentration isn’t fully fleshed out yet, however in any class taken there is something that you can benefit from. Even if it isn’t a film class on paper, there are definitely ideas that can merge with your creative thinking to better your art. I would love to see a communal mindset regarding theatre and film, because although the medium is different the creative process is extremely similar. Both are storytellers, just in different ways, and it’s frustrating to see people writing off classes or information because they think it doesn’t pertain to them. I think that it would help if the history classes address equal amounts of film and theatre, so that students would be able to zone in a little more. If classes were taught under the mindset that they were addressing students in both the film and theatre concentrations, I think it would benefit the students a lot.

Journal Entry #11-Restoration

One of the things that I think rejuvenates me the most is being in a space with a proliferation of natural beauty. Several instances I can think of where I have come back completely calm and ready to take on my busy life include going to Sundance, when I went backpacking after my freshman year of college, and whenever I go home to Durham. The thing that all of these places have in common is natural beauty. Something about being around natural beauty really helps to cleanse me. Park City was moderately cold and snowy with beautiful mountains circling it. When I went to the Sierra Nevadas and backpacked, it was warm and the greenery was lush. In the mountains there were a ton of wildflowers and natural ponds. In Durham, there is a lot of greenery within the city, as well as lakes and country land on the outskirts. I would definitely love to reset more often by retreating into natural areas like this. Over spring break when I took my one day off, it was in Little Rock. Arkansas is known as the “natural state” and you can tell when you are there that they take extra measures to maintain the natural integrity of the land in spite of the city and developments. I would really love to get my yoga certification in a naturally beautiful place such as the ones I talked about. I definitely think it would rev up my artistic engine. It’d be looking at my body and soul in a new way, while also helping me be mindful, and take a break from my day-to-day hectic life. I would love to do this in a place filled with natural beauty, because I just know in my gut that is an aspect of my environment that brings me a lot of peace and inspiration. I would like to do this as a reset, and also so that I can teach yoga as my job once I graduate. That way, if I wasn’t working within’ the industry, instead of working at a job that would be extremely hectic and taxing on my mental state, I would be doing something that would bring me peace. I haven’t done it yet because it’s extremely time intensive and I don’t think I would be able to balance it with my schoolwork. I am hoping that once I graduate I can make it a priority. After four extremely turbulent years, I think taking a couple months to hone on this craft would help me gain some inner peace and give me a break before I go full force in trying to get work in the industry or deciding where I am going to move post-graduation.  Although this is a big, time-intensive rejuvenating activity I would like to participate in, I think I could take it to the micro scale more consistently in my life by remembering to go to yoga during the week. Making a concerted effort to do my homework or readings outside instead of inside would contribute to my calm state of mind.  I can’t get my yoga training now because of time conflicts, but I can definitely think of the reasons I want to do that and just to apply them to the current time in my life.