Journal Entry #13-Surprising Yourself

This is an extremely difficult and personal entry, given everything that has happened over the course of my year. That being said, I am going to speak on my senior year candidly, because at this point in my life I do not feel the need to portray myself as any person except the one that I truly am. Although this year has been a not-so-fun rollercoaster for me, believing that it all happened to create the person I am today is what gives me hope.

My August 2014 self would probably not believe me if I was to go back in time and describe to her the course of events that took place over this year. Although she would be proud of future me, her stubborn self would refuse to believe that it was the real May 2015 me. As of August 2014, there were many things that I believed to be absolutes. I had just been launched into a long distance relationship, my boyfriend at the time was filming a movie in Atlanta, GA, and I believed him and I would move in together in New Orleans at the end of this year. At that time I was weary of the long distance relationship, because of my scars from the past. I was afraid to get hurt. My August self wouldn’t believe that I was the one that ultimately ended the relationship…a relationship that became too serious, too stressful, and was making me lose the essence of who I felt I truly was. I don’t know if she’d believe it but I do think she would be proud of my strength. She would be shocked to know that I was no longer solely dedicated to acting and costume design, but had found a medium she also loved…filmmaking. She would be surprised at May Andie’s willingness to let go of being a micromanager, and the fact that she was no longer moving to New Orleans. She would be happy that her May self had begun to regain her free spirit, but sad because of the emotional stress the between months had cost her. I think they would probably cry together. Past self would be surprised at future self’s willingness to let go, and see where her journey would take in the post-grad world.

Each year at LSU, I have changed a lot as an individual. I think my freshman self would recognize my senior self. I don’t think that she would be incredibly surprised by anything my senior self exhibited, but I think she would scoff if my senior self tried to give her advice. She would say the amount she drank was normal compared to the rest of the LSU students. She would laugh when I told her that she partied more than I do now that I am twenty-two. It’s odd, because I think that August 2014 Andie is extremely different than May 2015 Andie. Freshman Andie definitely took everything to extremes, but I think her intentions were pure. Although I am a much more level-headed, less impulsive version of her, it’s funny to think about my progression during college. I went from an extreme version of myself (as a freshman) to sort of the opposite extremes in terms of working really hard and kind of temporarily quitting partying, to the person that I became my senior year who sort of met these people in the middle. I think I’ve changed a lot this year, because I had to rediscover my core that was present when I was a freshman.

I am happy that my career has expanded from just acting, but I am not completely “surprised.” I am happy with the relationships I have right now, but am in a little bit of a weird spot. All of my true best friends are sort of spread around the U.S. Some are in Los Angeles, my sister is in Chicago, my family is in North Carolina…my friend group has definitely shifted a lot in college, because people graduate, move and change. In high school I had a very small tight group of best friends and that’s how I feel most comfortable. Now it’s definitely more of a situation where I am on good terms with a lot of people, but I miss having that tight knit group like I did in the past. I’m still very good friends with these girls, but they are in New York and opposite sides of North Carolina, respectively. I think the thing that surprises me most about myself is my didactic nature. Although this year I have become more motivated than ever in terms of my craft and my interests, I have also let go a lot. At the same time that I am more motivated than I have been at any other point in my life, I am also very aware that I have a journey ahead of me, one that I haven’t planned out yet at all. I am a relatively anxious person, but I would say that it does surprise me the way I am ready to work hard to do what I love, but also okay with the fact that I am going to take on the next season of my life in a very freeform way.

Now, I am tempted to re-read this blog post to proofread, but I think if I do that then I am most likely going to second guess my honest writing and delete everything. I am going to post my gut instincts, but truthfully I think I probably could have written a novel on the past four years of my life. It has been a hell of a learning experience, turbulent, draining, invigorating and so much more…but most of all hopefully worth it.

Journal Entry #12-Magic Wand

The first trope/annoyance I would get rid of is one of the things we talked about in class, using the woman as a vehicle for male success. It puts women in a submissive position, and propagates this image as something that is socially acceptable. I find it extremely frustrating, because as a woman that has been written off many times because of the way I look, I think it’s necessary to fight the stereotype of woman as victim. It was pretty insane to me how many short films submitted to the festival that were made by men, and even a few written/directed by women, did this. Specifically when women were doing it to themselves. It made me want to rally and be like, “Ladies, if we don’t portray our own strength and take ourselves seriously, who the hell else is going to?” I think that LSU does a generally good job of picking shows with strong roles for women. However it was pretty shocking to me that so many filmmakers in the Take 1 Film Festival did this, and potentially weren’t even aware of the fact that they were portraying women in that way.

             Another tendency that I would get rid of, that I think applies to both theatre and film, is the use of technical aspects to cover lack of evocative content or bad acting. I can think of several instances in both mediums where I believe this applied. There are certain lab shows that have been done recently that I think shaded some of the acting with sound and lighting sequences. Additionally, lots of the student films I have scene are technically sound, but just not believable because of the low stakes acting. I do not think that creations like this are successful, because the core message is unclear. Why is this piece being done? It is hard for me to connect to a creation if I can’t figure out the themes being projected.  There are some shows that pop into my mind that have married the two, such as August Osage County. This was a show that the outstanding technical elements heightened the acting and created a beautiful story.  Especially with student work, sometimes it seems like there isn’t enough time spent working with actors and getting their understanding where it needs to be.

             Thirdly, this is less of a film/theatre thing and more of specific to LSU thing, but it has been extremely irksome to me to see film students saying, “I shouldn’t have to take this class, it doesn’t apply to me so I am not gonna pay attention.” Yes, it is true that the film concentration isn’t fully fleshed out yet, however in any class taken there is something that you can benefit from. Even if it isn’t a film class on paper, there are definitely ideas that can merge with your creative thinking to better your art. I would love to see a communal mindset regarding theatre and film, because although the medium is different the creative process is extremely similar. Both are storytellers, just in different ways, and it’s frustrating to see people writing off classes or information because they think it doesn’t pertain to them. I think that it would help if the history classes address equal amounts of film and theatre, so that students would be able to zone in a little more. If classes were taught under the mindset that they were addressing students in both the film and theatre concentrations, I think it would benefit the students a lot.

Journal Entry #11-Restoration

One of the things that I think rejuvenates me the most is being in a space with a proliferation of natural beauty. Several instances I can think of where I have come back completely calm and ready to take on my busy life include going to Sundance, when I went backpacking after my freshman year of college, and whenever I go home to Durham. The thing that all of these places have in common is natural beauty. Something about being around natural beauty really helps to cleanse me. Park City was moderately cold and snowy with beautiful mountains circling it. When I went to the Sierra Nevadas and backpacked, it was warm and the greenery was lush. In the mountains there were a ton of wildflowers and natural ponds. In Durham, there is a lot of greenery within the city, as well as lakes and country land on the outskirts. I would definitely love to reset more often by retreating into natural areas like this. Over spring break when I took my one day off, it was in Little Rock. Arkansas is known as the “natural state” and you can tell when you are there that they take extra measures to maintain the natural integrity of the land in spite of the city and developments. I would really love to get my yoga certification in a naturally beautiful place such as the ones I talked about. I definitely think it would rev up my artistic engine. It’d be looking at my body and soul in a new way, while also helping me be mindful, and take a break from my day-to-day hectic life. I would love to do this in a place filled with natural beauty, because I just know in my gut that is an aspect of my environment that brings me a lot of peace and inspiration. I would like to do this as a reset, and also so that I can teach yoga as my job once I graduate. That way, if I wasn’t working within’ the industry, instead of working at a job that would be extremely hectic and taxing on my mental state, I would be doing something that would bring me peace. I haven’t done it yet because it’s extremely time intensive and I don’t think I would be able to balance it with my schoolwork. I am hoping that once I graduate I can make it a priority. After four extremely turbulent years, I think taking a couple months to hone on this craft would help me gain some inner peace and give me a break before I go full force in trying to get work in the industry or deciding where I am going to move post-graduation.  Although this is a big, time-intensive rejuvenating activity I would like to participate in, I think I could take it to the micro scale more consistently in my life by remembering to go to yoga during the week. Making a concerted effort to do my homework or readings outside instead of inside would contribute to my calm state of mind.  I can’t get my yoga training now because of time conflicts, but I can definitely think of the reasons I want to do that and just to apply them to the current time in my life.

Blog Entry #10-Self Interview

        My first words of advice to LSU Theatre underclassmen would definitely be don’t pigeon hole yourself, and take advantage of as many opportunities as you can.  For me personally, when I came into the theatre department I was pretty set on the fact that I wanted to be an actress. Although I still love acting, I am so thrilled that I have found other areas of the arts that I also feel strongly about. I never would have discovered these loves if I hadn’t just tried out taking the intro costume design class or entertainment technology. I would say if there is a specific thing you are interested such as music or drawing, that correlates with a design position, definitely try out taking the intro level class because you may discover something you are passionate about! This just gives you more opportunity to work as an artist once you graduate.

            Secondly, try to approach each class with the outlook of, “What can I take from this class that will help my specific form of artistry?” This is one thing that for me personally didn’t take effect until around my junior year. Because of that, I think there is a lot of knowledge that I missed out on. I had to take an interior design class as my general education arts requirement, and I put no effort into it. Looking back, I’m sure the principals I was learning would have helped me with both costume and production design, but because I wrote off the class as a general education requirement, I didn’t learn nearly as much as I could of. By looking at each class as an opportunity to grow, I think it really helps you feel fulfilled at the end of the day. Even though some classes are more tedious than others, if you approach the classes with a positive, productive state of mind, you can get so much more out of a semester.

            Thirdly, I would say don’t hesitate to approach your professors one on one! Even though at first it may seem intimidating to go to office hours, our professors have them for a reason. Some of the most poignant pieces of advice I have received have been during one-on-one sessions with professors. By asking specific questions about how you can better your artistry, you can learn so much and grow so much! Although class time is invaluable, I definitely have learned some excellent life lessons by really getting to know the professors whose work I value and respect.

            So to sum up, I would say approach your work as a theatre or film major with an open and positive mind. There will be a lot of information coming your way, some that you may already know, and lots that is completely new. The way  to best synthesize this information and channel it to your concentration, whether it is designing, acting or filmmaking, is by not closing out your mind to any possibilities . You will learn and grow so much as an artist and a person, and maybe even surprise yourself with where your time at LSU will take you!

Blog Entry #9-Alexander Techniques of the Soul

     I am blessed with parents that have filled my life with constructive criticism, positive reinforcement, and punishment when necessary. I definitely think my parents have helped me foster self-love, because during my darkest days I never go through the thought process, “I’m not worth anything, I have no talents, I have no purpose.” It’s more like I know what I am capable of, and am afraid that I will fail myself, and not be able to achieve the things that I want to accomplish. I know that I reinforce positive self-image by looking at the things I have accomplished over the past few years, and smiling because I like the art that I have produced. I’ve been in shows that I love, costume designed, made short films, and started trying to draw and write more and play guitar. Reminding myself I am the only Andrea Grace Morgenlander in the world, and no one else has to offer to the universe what I have to offer always helps me. In our profession I think it is easy to fall into the trap of comparing yourself to others, and I try to remind myself not to do that because there is only one me.

      In the same way, I think I reinforce my self-image by being hard on myself, and recognizing when something in my life has to change. My sophomore year of college I partied excessively. It was affecting my life in a lot of negative ways, and was really a struggle for me. At LSU no matter how much you party or drink, there are always hundreds of people that are partying more than you and drinking more, so it’s very easy to justify your own behavior. My mom would always give me shit, saying, “You’re a pescetarian, you train for half-marathons, but you binge drink constantly. You contradict the lifestyle your own lifestyle.” This would always be something I would brush off, but about halfway through my sophomore year I realized that it needed to be something that I changed. And I did, and I am so much happier because of it. I think holding oneself accountable for the things that need to change plays a huge role in self-love.
      One thing that I have been working to improve on in terms of self-worth is giving myself permission to be an imperfect person. No one is flawless, and it’s a wonderful realization to come to. Sometimes people create amazing art, and help others, and are awesome at their jobs no matter what those may be. But sometimes these same people make mistakes, and hurt each other or don’t think through their decisions. That’s just life. The difference is people who learn from what they have done wrong and allow themselves to move forward from it, and those that don’t. People make mistakes. That doesn’t make you a bad person, it just makes you human. Whenever I look at my life as a whole I am okay with myself, because I have made some mistakes but I have done so much that I am proud of. From the bottom of my heart, I think the mistakes that I’ve made in my life were necessary to get me to the person that I am today. I want to continue to move forward, writing down my thoughts and feelings without censoring myself, creating art, and just giving myself permission to grow as an artist and as a person.

Blog Entry #8-Rewriting Software

Growing up, I spent a lot of time watching the way my mom and sister functioned. I greatly looked up to both of these women, even though I knew we were different in a lot of ways, I have always valued both of their advice.  My mom and my sister are both extremely hard workers, and also people who love to have fun when they aren’t working. I watched my mom spend many nights staying up till three am because she was helping one of my siblings with a project, or washing someone’s basketball uniform that they forgot to watch, or packing lunches. My sister was meticulous about her school work in high school, so while my mom was up dealing with whichever kid’s issue she was currently dealing with, Shawn (my sis) would be on the computer typing, or reading textbooks. Both of these women would wake up early, and go about their days-sleep deprived. Even though they spent hours working, they are also both very social. Able to finish their work, go socialize with friends or other families, and then wake up and do it again the next day. My mom fondly refers to this as, “burning the candle at both ends” and I think this is definitely something I’ve adapted that is pretty difficult for me to break out of.

I constantly work hard during my school days, and do the best that I can to get all my work done on time. I’m often involved in extra-curricular work through the department, like right now I just finished shooting my second short film and am helping Josh and Kaley plan the short film festival for LSU. I usually either stay up late working on homework that I need to catch up on, or, if I have finished all my work I am socializing with friends on some capacity. Going to New Orleans to visit my friends that have graduated, or helping other friends with their projects, or going out. I don’t feel like this is wrong though, I just feel like it’s the norm. However, I am aware that it’s something I need to work on. Many people in my life, my therapist, Stacey, Josh, my mom, my sister, my dad have told me that I need to make time for myself to help with my anxiety and general calm on a day to day basis. I know this is true, because my Mom still struggles with over committing herself, and it isn’t something I want to be dealing with for the rest of my life. I see it in my genetics. Even though it seems like a simple fix, I don’t intrinsically feel like myself unless my lifestyle is fast and furious. It almost feels off, at this point in my life, if I do take time to relax or read or write or paint. I feel guilty for not working on one of the myriad of things I probably have to do.

I know this lifestyle comes at cost for me personally. It’s why I am often anxious and just generally tired on a day-to-day basis. The problem is that it has become so easy for me to function this way, that trying to change it feels weird, although I know in the long run that it’d be better for me. I would definitely like to re-write this aspect of my personality so that I don’t continue to be high-strung forever. I’ve started to try to make an effort to do this by writing my morning pages and going to yoga, but it’s definitely a process that I will have to do consistently, or else I don’t think that my software will be rewritten.

Blog Entry #7-Synchronicity

Throughout my time at LSU, I’ve been focused on developing myself as an actor. I’ve also developed an interest in costume design, but it wasn’t until this year that film emerged in my life. I decided to take film production one on a whim, because I thought since I was acting for the camera it would behoove me to learn about the behind the scenes aspect of filmmaking as well. Little did I know it would be paramount to getting through my senior year. My first short film shoot coincided with my first serious breakup. I was extremely passionate about this film, and having it to come back to during my first semester really pulled me out of a rough point in my life. After coming back from Sundance, I was struggling to acclimate myself to the college life again. My second short film shoot, which took place this past weekend, has served a similar purpose as the first one. It’s given me a new medium of art to be excited about, and has filled me with so much life and joy. I almost didn’t attend school this semester because of the low-point that I hit last semester, and I know that being passionate about film making and wanting to continue to develop that craft is part of the reason I wanted to stick with it and come back. I think it was a godsend. It has been a savior. It is so gratifying to see every skill that I’ve developed over the past year-acting, directing, designing, taking film class-come into play while I direct on a film set. I was in the car with my sister on the way back to my house after we finished shooting crying tears of joy. It’s been a cathartic experience for me that has really helped remind me why I love creating art so much. I think when moments like this happen, it is important to be grateful. The first time it happened I think part of me thought it was a fluke, and I was mostly just happy that the first shoot happened when it did. After experiencing the same feelings from my second shoot, I have faith in the fact that this art form is just something that is going to continue to be a rock for me in my life. Give thanks, and let them take you into a space of comfort for the future. My love for filmmaking arose at a low point in my life and helped keep me afloat, and there is no doubt in my mind that it will continue to do so.