This is an extremely difficult and
personal entry, given everything that has happened over the course of my year.
That being said, I am going to speak on my senior year candidly, because at
this point in my life I do not feel the need to portray myself as any person
except the one that I truly am. Although this year has been a not-so-fun
rollercoaster for me, believing that it all happened to create the person I am
today is what gives me hope.
My August 2014 self would probably
not believe me if I was to go back in time and describe to her the course of
events that took place over this year. Although she would be proud of future
me, her stubborn self would refuse to believe that it was the real May 2015 me.
As of August 2014, there were many things that I believed to be absolutes. I
had just been launched into a long distance relationship, my boyfriend at the
time was filming a movie in Atlanta, GA, and I believed him and I would move in
together in New Orleans at the end of this year. At that time I was weary of
the long distance relationship, because of my scars from the past. I was afraid
to get hurt. My August self wouldn’t believe that I was the one that ultimately
ended the relationship…a relationship that became too serious, too stressful,
and was making me lose the essence of who I felt I truly was. I don’t know if
she’d believe it but I do think she would be proud of my strength. She would be
shocked to know that I was no longer solely dedicated to acting and costume
design, but had found a medium she also loved…filmmaking. She would be surprised
at May Andie’s willingness to let go of being a micromanager, and the fact that
she was no longer moving to New Orleans. She would be happy that her May self
had begun to regain her free spirit, but sad because of the emotional stress
the between months had cost her. I think they would probably cry together. Past
self would be surprised at future self’s willingness to let go, and see where
her journey would take in the post-grad world.
Each year at LSU, I have changed a
lot as an individual. I think my freshman self would recognize my senior self.
I don’t think that she would be incredibly surprised by anything my senior self
exhibited, but I think she would scoff if my senior self tried to give her
advice. She would say the amount she drank was normal compared to the rest of
the LSU students. She would laugh when I told her that she partied more than I
do now that I am twenty-two. It’s odd, because I think that August 2014 Andie
is extremely different than May 2015 Andie. Freshman Andie definitely took
everything to extremes, but I think her intentions were pure. Although I am a
much more level-headed, less impulsive version of her, it’s funny to think
about my progression during college. I went from an extreme version of myself
(as a freshman) to sort of the opposite extremes in terms of working really
hard and kind of temporarily quitting partying, to the person that I became my
senior year who sort of met these people in the middle. I think I’ve changed a
lot this year, because I had to rediscover my core that was present when I was
a freshman.
I am happy that my career has
expanded from just acting, but I am not completely “surprised.” I am happy with
the relationships I have right now, but am in a little bit of a weird spot. All
of my true best friends are sort of spread around the U.S. Some are in Los
Angeles, my sister is in Chicago, my family is in North Carolina…my friend
group has definitely shifted a lot in college, because people graduate, move
and change. In high school I had a very small tight group of best friends and
that’s how I feel most comfortable. Now it’s definitely more of a situation
where I am on good terms with a lot of people, but I miss having that tight
knit group like I did in the past. I’m still very good friends with these
girls, but they are in New York and opposite sides of North Carolina,
respectively. I think the thing that surprises me most about myself is my
didactic nature. Although this year I have become more motivated than ever in
terms of my craft and my interests, I have also let go a lot. At the same time
that I am more motivated than I have been at any other point in my life, I am
also very aware that I have a journey ahead of me, one that I haven’t planned
out yet at all. I am a relatively anxious person, but I would say that it does
surprise me the way I am ready to work hard to do what I love, but also okay
with the fact that I am going to take on the next season of my life in a very
freeform way.
Now, I am tempted to re-read this
blog post to proofread, but I think if I do that then I am most likely going to
second guess my honest writing and delete everything. I am going to post my gut
instincts, but truthfully I think I probably could have written a novel on the
past four years of my life. It has been a hell of a learning experience,
turbulent, draining, invigorating and so much more…but most of all hopefully
worth it.
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